Friends with benefits

It's two weeks into the friends with benefits type arrangement that I have entered into. He works away during the week, but every night that he's been around we have spent together. So, 8 nights so far. And pretty much all of the rest of our spare time.

It's going really well, in that I really like spending time with him. I think he's quite keen for things to progress into a relationship, although he does know about my situation in detail (we were quite close friends before we started sleeping together...), and says that he doesn't want to rush me. In all honesty, I probably would be happy to get into a relationship with him, if it wasn't for the nagging feeling that this is EXACTLY what I've done before (see previous post). Am I so scared of being alone that I've jumped onto the nearest man and coerced him into wanting me? Or is this is a fantastic opportunity for a wonderful relationship?

Anyway, I guess it's OK to wait and see how things go. In the meantime, the sex is out of this world, and having cuddles again is really lovely. And he's a great kisser. Oh dear what have I got myself into...

Oops...I did it again

My Modus Operandus in relationships is quite simple - a) be friends with a boy b) decide you fancy him c) sleep wth him d) be in a relationship for several years e) wait til it ends, badly f) don't wait for more than a month before repeating the cycle.

So you will never guess what happened last weekend. I slept with one of my lovely friends and now we're kinda dating. Oops.

Don't think I don't have a meta-perspective on this. I'm just choosing not to take my own advice. And besides, it's SO nice to have cuddles again.

Depressed?

It turns out my denial phase didn't last too long. I have been very teary over the last few days (exacerbated by time of the month issues), and at the weekend I got royally drunk and cried at 3am on both Friday and Saturday nights, all over my best friend and my neighbour. They were very good about it, and, both being men, dealt with me in different but equally brilliant ways. Back to work over the last couple of days though has meant back to game face being firmly back on. I need to find a happy medium of allowing myself to feel the sadness without it turning me into a gibbering wreck.

I still have no interest in finding the New Man, but I am starting to miss physical contact. Basically, hugs. Yeah, my female friends are giving me hugs; getting hugs from my male friends is better, but naturally slightly odd after a while. I'm quite a tactile person and I am really missing the affection of being with someone on a daily basis. There's not much I can do about his, so I guess it's something you learn to do without. Which is really bloody depressing.

My best friend is badgering me about getting some help, i.e. some counselling. Not in direct relation to the Break Up, but to previous issues that seem to be following me around and resulting in very low self esteem. I'm worried that how I feel about myself will get in the way of being able to 'sell myself' (to use an awful term) to a New Man. He has mentioned this to me before on a few occasions, but I guess now is as good a time as any. Maybe I'll have a look and see if I could start seeing someone in the new year.