Friends with benefits

It's two weeks into the friends with benefits type arrangement that I have entered into. He works away during the week, but every night that he's been around we have spent together. So, 8 nights so far. And pretty much all of the rest of our spare time.

It's going really well, in that I really like spending time with him. I think he's quite keen for things to progress into a relationship, although he does know about my situation in detail (we were quite close friends before we started sleeping together...), and says that he doesn't want to rush me. In all honesty, I probably would be happy to get into a relationship with him, if it wasn't for the nagging feeling that this is EXACTLY what I've done before (see previous post). Am I so scared of being alone that I've jumped onto the nearest man and coerced him into wanting me? Or is this is a fantastic opportunity for a wonderful relationship?

Anyway, I guess it's OK to wait and see how things go. In the meantime, the sex is out of this world, and having cuddles again is really lovely. And he's a great kisser. Oh dear what have I got myself into...

Oops...I did it again

My Modus Operandus in relationships is quite simple - a) be friends with a boy b) decide you fancy him c) sleep wth him d) be in a relationship for several years e) wait til it ends, badly f) don't wait for more than a month before repeating the cycle.

So you will never guess what happened last weekend. I slept with one of my lovely friends and now we're kinda dating. Oops.

Don't think I don't have a meta-perspective on this. I'm just choosing not to take my own advice. And besides, it's SO nice to have cuddles again.

Depressed?

It turns out my denial phase didn't last too long. I have been very teary over the last few days (exacerbated by time of the month issues), and at the weekend I got royally drunk and cried at 3am on both Friday and Saturday nights, all over my best friend and my neighbour. They were very good about it, and, both being men, dealt with me in different but equally brilliant ways. Back to work over the last couple of days though has meant back to game face being firmly back on. I need to find a happy medium of allowing myself to feel the sadness without it turning me into a gibbering wreck.

I still have no interest in finding the New Man, but I am starting to miss physical contact. Basically, hugs. Yeah, my female friends are giving me hugs; getting hugs from my male friends is better, but naturally slightly odd after a while. I'm quite a tactile person and I am really missing the affection of being with someone on a daily basis. There's not much I can do about his, so I guess it's something you learn to do without. Which is really bloody depressing.

My best friend is badgering me about getting some help, i.e. some counselling. Not in direct relation to the Break Up, but to previous issues that seem to be following me around and resulting in very low self esteem. I'm worried that how I feel about myself will get in the way of being able to 'sell myself' (to use an awful term) to a New Man. He has mentioned this to me before on a few occasions, but I guess now is as good a time as any. Maybe I'll have a look and see if I could start seeing someone in the new year.

21st Century Break Ups

So, obviously, I removed the Ex as a friend from Facebook as soon as I asked him to leave, and also removed all of our mutual friends that were definitely his friends and not mine. Well, I say as soon as, it took a couple of days' worth of seeing him becoming friends with girls I didn't know to make me feel sick enough to remove him.

I didn't realise until today, however, that I could still see his wall. The new girl has posted something about 'teaching him how to poke'. Stupid cow.

Although, obviously, I am the stupid one for looking at his Facebook page. If this was 15 or even 10 years ago, I wouldn't be party to any of his day to day conversations and flirting with other girls. I would be able to more effectively remove myself from his life. I find myself impulsively needing to check his Facebook (and Twitter...don't get me started) profile, and I can't really work out why. It really hurts to see any update of any kind, because honestly no update is going to make me feel good, even 'what have I done, I regret it all' because I genuinely don't want him back. Yet, I torture myself checking out the new girl, and her friends, and any photos I can find...

My best friend told me that I need to stop, for my own sanity. And I agree with him. But I'm not sure how. Are break ups more difficult now, because there is so much more publicly available information about all of us? Or has it not made a difference, because our relationships are shaped and influenced by the context they develop within; i.e. if in 1898 you break up with your boyfriend because he's been cheating on you, you've got other shit to contend with, like being labelled a whore/unreasonable woman and seeing your ex everywhere because you are unlikely to have the means to move away?

Anyway, one more check before bed...

Denial?

It has occurred to me that I am rather more upbeat than I would expect someone in my predicament to be. I've realised that friends are looking at me with not only sympathy but also surprise when they ask how I am, and I witter on about finding a new place to live, and how it's so close to the main A road for work etc etc. I think I am probably supposed to be a bit more upset about things than I am.

Am I in denial?

I wonder whether the loss of a relationship is like a bereavement. I guess it would make sense, and in my case, where the end was sudden and shocking, perhaps this amplifies the 'grief reaction' as would happen after a sudden bereavement. The most trendy model of grief, the 'stage' model, is currently being de-bunked in favour of the 'dual process' model, where you are allowed to vacillate between helpful and not so helpful coping strategies. I think I prefer this model, and I wonder whether my absolute focus on the practicalities after our Break Up (i.e. where the hell am I going to live?) has meant that my emotional reaction and raw 'hurt' has been, however temporarily, pushed to one side. I also wonder whether it will come back.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not exactly having a blast at the moment. I feel pretty lonely and am trying my hardest not to think about the Ex, as thinking about him makes me upset. I'm quite good at distracting myself away from the hurt though. Maybe I should be more 'in the moment' and 'sit with the feeling'. Maybe I'm doing exactly what I need to do to survive right now, and once I'm settled in my new abode, bloody Christmas is over and done with, and I no longer am tied to the Ex regarding our tenancy, maybe then I'll feel 'it'. When I felt 'it' for the first few hours and days after I found out he'd been cheating on me, however, it felt a bit like I couldn't go on. I don't want to feel like that again.

I wonder how he feels.

Hangover

I survived my first drunken night of singledom. And not only survived; I had a really good night. It felt a bit like the pressure was off, and I could genuinely enjoy being with my friends, and not have to worry about how He was feeling.

As most of the mates I was out with were male, this negated any male attention received, which was a very good thing. I felt safe and protected, which is what I need right now. Perhaps a few weeks/months down the line, I'll choose to go on more girls' nights out, where blokes won't be put off talking to us. But for now, I am happy to venture out with my mostly male friendship group and get wasted. And dance on tables (haven't done that for a looong time). Rediscovering vodka was a good choice.

I ended up dressing far more casually than perhaps I would have done otherwise, but spent a lot of time on my make up (smoky eye with my Naked palette, love it). Chose flat gold ballerina pumps over my heels, as the other girls I was out with were not too dressy, and it meant I could dance the night away without feet agony. I hate heels; I love heels. They look awesome; they hurt me.

First single night out

I'm writing this on a Friday evening, having agreed to venture out into town tonight with a couple of friends. This will be the first foray into a bar or club since being single.

Now, I am in no way looking for any man action, or any male attention at all in fact, but for some reason I am stressing out about what to wear. Maybe when I was a 'taken' woman, it didn't matter as much what I wore? Maybe I want to prove to my friends that I am doing OK and can still get myself dressed and look presentable, and am not wallowing in baggy tshirts and pyjama bottoms 24/7 (I am sitting here writing this in such an outfit...)? But it's definitely not because I want to catch people's attention. And if I get any attention tonight, to be honest I'm not sure how I'll handle it. Previously, if a guy started to talk to me/try it on I would be able to retreat to the Ex or at least make it clear that I was with him. Or, if I was out without him, my friends and I would generally take the piss/imitate/have a laugh with any men that took any interest. Does being single mean that I should start taking attention from men seriously, and not run away/dismiss them, in case I am missing 'opportunities'? I really hope not. I'm not sure a bar or club is going to be a good place to find the New Man anyway. Most men I come across in bars & clubs are drunken wankers who are trying to pull anything that moves.

I shall report back what I learn from the experience. Fingers crossed.